Key Tavo: He Doesn’t Hate You, You Read It Wrong; When Assistance Is Met With Rudeness

Have you ever offered to help someone and they brushed you off or ignored you? Have you ever helped someone and they did not say ‘thank you’ or perhaps they had no problem ignoring you afterward? These types of reactions often hurt and can make one feel spurned or insignificant.

I would like to share two very insightful sources that relate to the area of helping others, which I consider to be rooted in the middot (qualities/attributes) of hod and netzach, which generally can be understood as emotional and educational helping, respectively. As I explain in The Seven Ways (2011) and my wife and I will explain soon in a book about Biblical heroines, hod qualities relate to the Biblical figures Aaron and Miriam, while netzach qualities are tied in with Moshe and Devorah. The first source is a very interesting midrash (piece of conceptual Torah), that highlights some of the aforementioned emotional responses, that we often find ourselves feeling.

“When Moshe began passing away and [Israel] did not pray that mercy should be shown to him and he should be allowed to enter the Land [of Israel], he gathered them together and began rebuking them. He said to them, ‘One man [me] saved 600,000 people [i.e. all the men of Israel] in the [incident of the golden] calf, but 600,000 people [i.e. you all] will not save one man!’ ”

(Deut. Rabbah 7:10)

Moshe is portrayed as extremely upset that the men of Israel are not praying for him, though he himself has saved the lives of hundreds of thousands! This is quite a strange depiction. If Moshe is a teacher that has worked patiently and tirelessly to educate and counsel his fellow Israelites and he is described as “…exceedingly humble — more than anyone on the face of the earth” (Num. 12:3) it seems quite odd that the midrash would bring a story that recounts him viscously chastising his people. As this story takes place in a midrash, we must recall that its purpose is not to inform us of actual historical events; the stories in the midrash may have happened, but their purpose is for their implicit lesson or symbol-based message. I doubt Moshe gathered Israel to berate them in a vengeful, spiteful rage of rebuke (I don’t even think ‘rebuke’ is an accurate translation of the Hebrew word ‘lehochiach’ – see p. 57 of The Seven Ways). Rather, when one understands that the midrash is using Moshe as a symbolic figure to express ideas and lessons that relate to his middah, netzach, one can stop being shocked by stories of Moshe as having done many deeds that do not fit his persona (such as act spitefully, as with this midrash) and begin to draw lessons for daily life or new philosophical understandings of Judaism. Moshe, as a personification of the quality and personality of netzach, represents someone who has worked tirelessly to assist and educate others. Such a person may feel enraged and desire to spitefully rebuke those whom he has given to, when they display little interest in reciprocating the help and care. An emotional reaction such as this is understandable, given the neglectful treatment with which the giver has been treated. A story with a similar dynamic is described in the Book of Judges (Ch. 11). An accomplished and refined man named Yiftach(1) is driven away from his father’s estate by his numerous half-brothers and he chooses to settle in another land (v. 2-3), as a result. When the Children of Ammon soon wage war against Israel, (v. 5), Yiftach’s brothers approach him and say (v. 6), “Come and be our chief and we will wage war with Ammon!” Taken aback by the request, Yiftach responds (v. 7), “Don’t you hate me, having driven me out from my father’s home? Why do you come to me now, when you are in trouble?” Yiftach feels what many of us have felt before. When we have been spurned, we are not likely to be excited about assisting those individuals who have spurned us. Yiftach proceeds, though, to help his brothers and the people of Gilad to defeat Ammon, as seen in the rest of the chapter. Interestingly, the next chapter, which concludes the account of Yiftach’s achievements in Scripture, includes another similar story. Upon hearing of Yiftach’s triumph, men of the tribe of Ephraim meet up with the great hero and share surprising comments: “Why did you cross over to make war against the Children of Ammon, and did not call on us to go with you? We shall burn down your house in fire upon you!” Yiftach responds, “I and my people had great strife with the Children of Ammon; I did summon you, but you did not save me from their hand! I saw that you were not helping, so I risked my life…and G-d delivered them into my hand. Now why have you come up to me today to make war with me!?” (Ibid. V. 1-3, emphasis added). If your state or region was under attack and someone stood up to fight them, invited you to join him and then proceeded to fended off the enemy without you having to participate, I think you would be quite happy and thankful. But you, dear reader, do not behave like “those people” who we all know. “Those people” could find the smallest little cloud in a sky filled with silver linings. And they seek to damage you, to fulfill the (made up) verse “no good deed goes unpunished” (Book of Stupidity 1:1). Bringing It All Together Both Yiftach and the midrash are vividly portraying emotion-filled interpersonal dynamics that we encounter frequently in our lives. When a boss or classmate or relative makes it clear that they do not want to interact with you and they later ask you for help, you naturally resist. When you spend countless hours working toward developing and implementing a program or the like, it can hurt when people walk up to you and begin criticizing you and blaming you for silly, contrived issues. It is natural to feel hurt and underappreciated in all such circumstances. Yiftach chose to help his fellow Israelites, and his actions are both noble and indicative of someone who took the more mature road. I cannot honestly say that in similar situations I advise the reader to go ahead and help those who have spurned her or him; that is something that needs much contemplation, conference with requirements of Jewish Law and a personal calculation. But one idea remains: when one has the opportunity to assist others, he or she should look at the opportunity as a mitzvah between him- or herself and G-d and not base their decision on the gratitude from or reciprocation of the party that is being assisted. As you go through life and help in your community or synagogue, there will inevitably be people who have complaints, no matter what you do or don’t do. People will forget to reciprocate, after you help them with even the direst of emergencies; there will be people who grumble, no matter the quality of your work; there will be people who make ridiculous demands, blatantly ignoring the hard work you’ve done. It’s important to remember that we help others and our communities because it is the right thing to do; we do it so we and G-d can be proud of our good deeds. May we never resist helping others, even for a moment, because it is our duty and our privilege. Rav Ian   (1) I ran out of room to fully elaborate on the connection of hod to the story in Judges, but Yiftach appears to be a manifestation of this middah. I hope to elaborate on this idea more when I complete my work on the sefirot in Tanach. Bibliography Bailey, I., (2011). The Seven Ways, Baltimore: Createspace