Feeling Bad Can Cause Negative Actions

  Over the weekend I realized that I would not have the possibility to post any Seven Ways or psychology or other Torah thoughts on the blog, as the holiday ran straight into Shabbat. I thought I would post a little something now, Saturday night, to cover Shabbat and give you a little something to enjoy for the week. According to marriage expert Dr. John Gottman ( I used to sit near him in temple 🙂   ), 85% of marriages in which the couple was dissatisfied suffer from an issue that is found quite readily in the very beginning of the Torah. Gottman found from extremely thorough, longitudinal studies that in 5/6 marriages at least one of the partners feels bad about themselves and criticizes his or her partner as a result. As Gottman has demonstrated in his monumental work on marriage satisfaction, criticism is one of the most destructive interactions for a marriage. (I highly recommend his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work* for anyone who is married or contemplating marriage**). Similarly, in Genesis Ch. 4, when G-d accepts Hevel’s (Able) gift and not Cayin’s (Cain), Cayin becomes angry and sad. G-d speaks to him and says that he should know that it is possible to improve himself and that (v. 7) “negative deed crouches at the door and clings to you”, warning him that his current state may lead to future misdeeds – unless he “rules over it.” Immediately, the Torah relays that Cayin meets his brother in a field and murders him. There is no doubt that one issue led to the next for Cayin. Because he is angry and feels bad about himself he brings those negative feeling to his emotionally charged encounter with his brother. These feelings influence his infamous decision to take his brother’s life. In my experience as a rabbi and counselor, this is an issue that adversely impacts all relationships and interactions, not solely the realm of marriage. Whether it be a child in a class, a grumpy man who sits in the back of shul complaining, or one’s close family member, negative feelings cause negative reactions and a culture of destruction. The lesson: don’t let bad moods or negative feelings that are eating away at you negatively impact your relationships. It sounds simple, but statistics show that it is present in far more relationship dynamics than we care to admit. When we interact with positive tones and statements, we create a positive flow of emotion and connection of relationship that is far bigger than the sum of its parts. For example, when we feel good about our spouse, Gottman demonstrates, we tend to hear the majority of what they say as positive, even if it would be classified as neutral or negative by an objective onlooker. This is called “Positive Sentiment Override”. The advice here is not simply to be nice and wear a smiley face on your shirt; it is to create a culture of good feelings and goodwill in all of our realms of lives. This will cause far more constructive results than we can tangibly estimate. May we all use positive psychology and personal growth to foster positive feelings and positive reactions. IB     * My usual disclaimer about books: There are very good ideas and pieces of advice in this book, in general, but not every single idea  about evolution or ideologies (there are only a few) are compatible with Orthodox Judaism.   ** I also recommend The Garden of Peace for men and Women’s Wisdom for ladies, among other books.